Then God led me to pursue ministry.
Now, Roberta and I are currently raising support to do mission work with a team of three other couples in West Seattle, WA. I smile as I write this because it doesn't feel at all like we're the ones raising support. God has been providing for us in ways that are blowing me away and, quite frankly, scaring me.
In the past I struggled with doubting God because I didn't know where (or even if) He was leading me. It's a weird thing, now, to doubt God because I can clearly see where He's leading.
A lot of that doubt ties into this daily feeling I have that Roberta and I are on a ship with no helm. Our sails are taking us wherever the wind blows. An example of this would be our finances.
I love earning money, not asking others for it. I love giving generously, not being reliant on the giving of others so I in turn can give. I love adding to my savings, not subtracting from it because support failed to come on time. And I feel like a failure when it comes to investing; I think I've invested about 300 dollars over the past 2 years.
The problem with the above paragraph is that there's a lot of "I love". The underlying implication is obvious, but so hard for me to stomach. I hide my love for being in control with a rationalization that I'm practicing wise stewardship.
Like I said earlier, my father has done an excellent job exemplifying for me wise stewardship and the principles of money management. But what I forgot when it comes to myself is that being a steward implies working for a King. Being a manager implies working for a Superior.
It's taken repeated moments of being humbled both by the generosity and the thoughtlessness of others to realize this. Sometimes I've felt borderline spoiled. Other times I've felt forgotten. But every time, God has provided.
Because there's been a clash between me wanting to be in control and God actually being in control, a question straight from the word keeps haunting my thoughts.
"Or do you despise the riches of His goodness and forbearance and longsuffering; not knowing that the goodness of God leads you to repentance?" - Romans 2:4
The context of this verse comes in the midst of Paul critiquing those in the Roman church that are quick to judge others for sins committed while simultaneously ignoring their own sins. There were those in the church that wanted to play judge, jury, and executioner, but in a courtroom with no mirrors. Paul had to restore order to the court by reminding everyone that, "the judgment of God is according to truth against them which commit such things." (2:2).
I find myself wondering how a question from that context keeps popping up in the midst of what I'm feeling.
I ask myself, "How can I possibly despise something like God's goodness? How can I not know that such goodness leads me to repentance?"
Then it hits me.
Gratitude, or a lack of thereof.
Gratitude is the realization of how good others have been towards me. And no one has shown more goodness to me than God. Oftentimes, how He does that is through the people He has placed in my life. A way in which I can despise God's goodness, then, is ungratefulness.
I often pause before eating a meal and bless God for providing me with food. But, why don't I pause and gratefully bless Him when it comes to other forms of provision, especially when it comes to the people He has placed in my life and the things they do for me?
Already, taking time to pause and bless God has stirred in me a different attitude and a new perspective. What normally would be a dull errand for me like depositing a check or washing dishes becomes an opportunity to acknowledge God's goodness. Even something like having an argument with my wife changes.
I deposited a check because He has connected me to people that are eager to support the proclamation of the gospel in the Northwest. I washed dishes because He has provided not only food but a kitchen for cooking the food and cleaning up afterwards. I had an argument with my wife because I forgot that I've been blessed with a wife, and I failed to lead the disagreement tenderly and patiently like a good husband should.
This blog is just one of many ways I'm trying to better implement gratitude towards God. I really want family, friends, supporters, and anyone interested enough to read this post to know, first and foremost, how good God is. I'll also be sharing what's going on in my and Roberta's life in the hopes of letting you all know how you deeply you impact us and how much you all mean to us.
With Gratitude,
With Gratitude,
Nathaniel and Roberta
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